Normally under such circumstances I tend to make myself as busy as possible to try and forget about it. Once I kick into work mode, the pain and distraction of grieving melts away like an inattentive child's popsicle on a hot summer's day. So I tried it this time, and it failed.
What is it about grief that makes it different each time one experiences it? There have been many people who have gone in my lifetime, most tragically and most young, yet they all affect me differently. Some were present or former classmates, others older family members, one was a fellow poet and one was my best friend. I miss them all. But my aunt's death has been very different from the others.
This is the first time I lost someone after my diagnosis of depression and anxiety this past May. In this sense I live in a totally different world from the one I inhabited previously. In the past, the chemical balance of my brain wasn't being managed the way it is now since I became a consumer. The weird fluctuations in mood and temperament are highly unusual to me and I've had to get away from everyone to take a bit of time inside my own head to start to sort through it all. My friends have noticed my weirdness but have been good about it. I'm not so sure I feel at peace with it, at all.
However, now that this is my new reality I have to learn how to cope. I know there are others out there who read this blog and have similar stories. It would be great if we could start a discussion in the comments on this topic. Grief is always hard and I'm learning it might be even tougher when one is newly learning how to cope with a mood disorder.
We bury my aunt on Friday. But I can't bury this emotional turmoil. I hope by speaking openly about it, this conversation might positively help someone else in the future.
4 comments:
Greg, so glad you are speaking out!
Yes, grief affects us differently when we are dealing with our own mood issues. It takes more out of us, and it intensifies our symptoms. It hits differently.
I'm so sorry for your grief, and your added troubles. You know how to find me if you need to talk to someone who's been through it too.
Hang in there.
Hi Greg;
As with any illness, it is difficult for those who have never been afflicted to know where to help. If you are compiling resources, there are some at bucknell university here http://www.bucknell.edu/x7845.xml
We're here to help however we can. My sincere condolences to you as you deal with the loss of your beloved aunt.
Hi Greg,
Well... I left a long blurb on facebook which I know you have already seen in which I discussed my feelings of loss, distance, and grieving as well as stand in people. I did not disclose to you that I am also someone who has had to deal with mental illness.
I am not sure that you realize that while we were at Queen's together I was stalked. Seriously, stalked. Cheap, B film, crazy, daily break-ins, under threat, police stationed at my house kind of stalked. When the guy, who so happened to be a recidivistic life long criminal, with a history of violent crime including murder, was finally caught in my back yard... I could breath and sleep again. Still - I could not. I had "caught" a pretty bad case of PTSD. It is managed but still pops up now and again. I won't go into details too much, but just to say that I agree. I think that a mental illness makes one much more sensitive to... well... frankly... nearly everything... I don't know... I guess, I don't have the same filters as other people. It takes me longer to recover from even small stuff that happens in passing - and for the most part I am OK with this now. Initially it was very difficult to accept. I had a lot of self pity about this. I felt that this stalker, Brian, had stolen my sanity and I guess he did... but still, I am left with a greater understanding of human loss and suffering. Actually all life forms. It impacted me in unexpected ways... for example I don't eat meat. I buy food for beggars, I don't give them money. I am afraid to play hide and seek. I guess we are all products of what we come from.
Hello,
I have a question about your blog. Please email me!
Thanks,
David
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